Just Being Cassie

I see you now.

Not the version of you I used to judge or rush past, but you, the quiet one. The little girl who learned early how to endure. The one who stayed even when she was tired, confused, and hurting.

I am sorry I did not love you the way you deserved.

I am sorry I put you last for so long.

I am sorry I blamed you for pain you did not cause.

For years, I carried so much hurt that I forgot you were hurting too. I was so focused on surviving, on being strong, on searching for validation and relief outside of us, that I did not stop to hold you, I did not protect you and I did not cherish you.

And for that, I forgive myself, and I ask for your forgiveness too.

You were always there for me. Even when I did not notice, even when I was unkind and even when I turned away from you.

If it wasn’t for you, I would not be here today. You have carried me through stages of life that felt impossible. You endured years of neglect without leaving. And when the pain became too much, you did not abandon me. You simply withdrew to protect yourself. You went quiet because you were tired of being blamed for pain you did not cause.

I did not understand that then. I thought your silence meant you had left me, and I punished myself for it. I turned the hurt inward. I mistook your self-protection for rejection. But I see it clearly now.

You were just a little girl who was scared and hurting, doing the best she could with what she had. And instead of being angry at you, I want to hold you.

I forgive you for nothing, because you did nothing wrong.

Instead, I grieve the years we lost. I grieve the softness we could have lived in sooner and I grieve the joy, the ease, the safety we might have known if I had learned earlier how to love you properly. That grief is real, and I allow myself to feel it.

But I will not punish us for surviving.

When I finally began to pour into you, even just a little, everything changed. I honored you. I listened. I slowed down. And you responded so beautifully. Like a plant that had been neglected for too long, you did not resist. You bloomed.

You showed me that you are my best friend.

My partner.

My home.

Yes, I wish I had started earlier. But, I am here now, fully, intentionally, with open eyes and a softer heart.

From this moment on, I choose you. I will not look past you again. I will not abandon myself in search of love elsewhere. I will protect you. I will water you. And I will speak to you with kindness.

Thank you for staying alive for me.

Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for your quiet strength.

We are together now.

And this time, I am not leaving.

Written at the close of a year that changed me ✨🌸